Author: catadmin

Learning to pace yourself and respect your limits and individual capacity especially and specifically when it comes to spirituality is a really important aspect of being able to fully receive teachings from the ground of your own authentic experience. It can be really easy to overlook your own needs and inner guidance when you’re in a retreat setting or belong to a spiritual community or sangha.

The momentum of a retreat or the group field can take you over in a way where you are no longer tuned in to what actually feels right or true for you anymore. For example, you may need to skip a session or take a step back from the teachings and instead you overlook that need in yourself because you’re trying to keep up with everyone else. You don’t even consider it as an option and that in itself is a sign that something feels obligated in you and trapped.

You might be triggered and feeling into a deep trauma or wound and your capacity to receive the teachings or even be in a group setting may be compromised. But instead of honoring that need in yourself, you choose to power through. You reach your limit but you override that limit within yourself.

Or it might even be time to move on entirely. The teachings may have served their purpose in you and moving on may be what’s needed. But this can be really hard to do if you’re looking to your peers for cues. Or if you’ve developed an emotional attachment to the sangha or teacher. And you’re afraid to let go of the comfort, safety and habit of being with a spiritual community in a certain way at a certain time etc. 

Powering through is a really subtle thing that happens in retreats or spiritual community settings and is sometimes even encouraged. But it’s a really important thing to look out for especially if you have a trauma background. There’s a very fine line between being open to teachings by being receptive to spiritual transformation and being spiritually violent with yourself.

“I signed up for this whole retreat and I need to power through.”

This is when spirituality turns violent. Violent spirituality comes from a very masculine and traditional idea of what spirituality should look like. It doesn’t recognize taking breaks, going slow and really honoring your own needs above all else. It kind of strips you of your own authority in a way. Trying to be the best student is something that always plays itself out in this dynamic.

When you bypass your own limits and capacity to power through a retreat, you become less attuned to what feels true for you. What’s true for you might not look spiritual or in tune with everybody else. Only you know your limit, only you know what you’re experiencing. And in this way, only you can navigate your experience no matter what that looks like on the outside to anybody else and regardless of the setting, circumstances or money paid.

In bypassing your own well-being for the sake of the retreat, you lose touch with that inner navigation and you’re lost. You’re at the mercy of others. You’re at the mercy of ideas of what you should be like in order to belong or be accepted. You give away your authority and you try to get it from outside yourself. 

This is when the retreat can mutate from being a place of safety and being held – something you chose to be a part of – into something obligatory you have no say in. It’s no longer about being authentic to your experience and the ability to be receptive to the teachings from an innocent and grounded place.

Sharing within groups and exchanging with teachers can also be really triggering. There’s a number of things to look out for here. If the retreat group is small in number, there may be an overwhelming urge to try to fill in the silences by sharing. You can sense this as a background anxiety about how we’re going to “fill up the time” we have together. Sharing from this urge is never a good idea.

Another thing that can become activated in retreats during exchanges with teachers is an ongoing comparison with others with regards to their shares and exchanges with the teacher. This can become overwhelmingly obsessive and destructive to your own process and unfolding in the retreat container. It can also trigger an inauthentic urge to share or exchange with the teacher in order to ‘get’ something.

Sharing with a group or teacher from inauthenticity or lost authority puts you in a compromised position. You are no longer able to gauge whether sharing something is appropriate for you in the moment or not. If possible, it’s important to not judge yourself for these patterns and instead just be conscious and honest with yourself about what’s happening.

Paying attention to these things playing out in you is actually a huge part of any retreat or sangha. These dynamics reveal themselves more intensely in spiritual communities you may have been a part of for a while. Being conscious of these subtleties in you within these group dynamics is as important as what’s being formally shared or presented as the teachings themselves.

Recognizing overwhelm in yourself is crucial. It’s easy to lose yourself when your spiritual unfoldment is intensifying. These tender parts, these tender wounds, need the utmost of care, respect and patience as they come undone. When these parts are active, it is actually violent to be overexposing yourself.

It’s important for your well-being to be able to discern when your system is overwhelmed or on the brink of overwhelm. And to be able to recognize these signals from your nervous system. It’s actually not helpful to be on the receiving end of spiritual talk when you’re in that state.

When the deepest wounds or traumas are activated, it’s time to tend to yourself first and foremost.

If that means being the only one who doesn’t share, so be it, if it means leaving a meeting entirely, that needs to be an option. Because otherwise you’re trapped and you feel like you don’t have the freedom to leave anymore lest it be inappropriate.

The fear of leaving is always an indication that you feel trapped. And that more likely adds fuel to the fire of whatever deep wound has opened up. The feeling of being trapped is actually a symptom of the trauma expressing itself in the setting of spirituality.

The notion of leaving and bringing that sense of softness and gentleness to yourself within spiritual unfoldment may even seem foreign to you. It can be a belief in you that spirituality has to be violent in order to be effective. But that is simply not true.

When you don’t respect your own boundaries, your own capacity, you start to become resentful. Resentful of the teacher, the group, the teachings themselves and you lose the capacity to be able to receive these teachings. It is much wiser and more loving to be in tune and honest with your own authentic unfoldment while remaining soft and gentle rather than forceful and overpowering.

This is more of a soft, feminine type of spirituality whereby there is no goal, and you do not have to overcome anything or get anywhere. You can be gentle and kind without becoming complacent. In truth, it’s an art much like everything else. But if masculine spirituality has been the ‘norm’ for you may have even traumatized you, then leaning towards the feminine may be what’s needed.

Your own path is unique and may not look like anyone else’s. Navigating your path genuinely and without violence is ultimately a solo journey and in that you must have the ability to trust yourself and your inner guidance.

I thought they owed me something. That they should act differently than how they’ve been acting since I was born. My non-acceptance of them demanded they be different than they are. So that I could feel safe, loved. So that I wouldn’t be heartbroken at the abyss that lay between us. The unfillable gap that haunted me in every way. In every communication, every touch, every situation that mirrored it even more.

And because I could not admit or even see the truth for myself, it all be came too scary. They creeped me out. They were absolute strangers to me even as a child. I could not relate to any one of them. And their animosity towards me was obvious. Mother, Father, Sister, Brothers, Nieces, Uncles, Nephews, Cousins. And I denied these feelings, these knowings, these gut instincts because it was too dangerous to acknowledge them.

I am slowly coming to realize that they’ve been doing me a favor all along. Telling me, showing me who they are and I have been refusing it. Denying it. Pushing it all away. Saying no, no, no! You can’t be like this, you have to be like that so that I can have the slightest of chances of being able to survive here. So that I can love you, because if this is actually who you are, I can’t love you, I can’t survive, and you can’t and don’t love me!

Oh, how much I have suffered from this denial. Non-acceptance. How much I unknowingly made myself suffer. I did not know. I did not know any better. And for that I can bring mercy to myself.

Mercy for not knowing. Mercy for doing my fucking best to cope. Mercy for how strong and resilient I have been. Mercy for the pain, the inexplicable pain that would implode at the depths of me at the slightest chance of being seen. Being heard. Being loved for exactly who I am. Mercy mercy mercy. 

Mercy for my non- acceptance. Mercy for my rebellion. Mercy for my wanting things to be different. Wanting the fairytale of family to be true for me too. 

When they excluded me from my fathers funeral they were doing me a favor. They were saving me the trouble of having to travel with them in the dark of night, in my heartbreak and loss to a strange village to bury my father. It wasn’t my place. It has never been. And rightly so. 

I shouldn’t have been there because I wasn’t. And I would not want to be. And that’s the most important admission. To myself. To myself. To myself. I did not want to be there burying my father. 

Pretending to be beyond reproach does no good. The truth is you are affected. Your life is touched by what happens around you, people’s actions or lack thereof do bother you. Your current circumstances are a grievance to you. All of it. You are not beyond reproach. Start there.

Acknowledge your non-acceptance of things as they are. In you, in others, in where you are – physically, mentally, emotionally, relationally, ‘spiritually’. Letting go of the spiritual gymnastics and coming back to the raw unfiltered ugly truth of it. There’s hate. There’s anger. There’s non-acceptance. You are affected. You are hurt. There’s pain here. And you’re not handling any of it like you would like to.

In the ‘spiritual’ mind, you think you’re at twenty – you think you’re not affected. You believe you’re ‘higher’ than everyone because you ‘know’ something. That you are beyond it. You deny your non-acceptance and call it acceptance. You deny your being affected and believe you’re beyond reproach.

In truth, you’re below zero.

You can’t transcend. You can’t accept. You don’t know how. The truth is it all gets to you. All of it. Every little bit. And that in itself is something you’re trying to hide. Not only hide from others, but also hide from yourself. You don’t want to admit it. Because it’s too scary. Too hauntingly real.

If others know they can affect me, they will keep at it. But if I pretend I am beyond reproach, they will stop.

Unconcious belief

You can bring kindness to yourself for believing that. Because it is a valid conclusion. A self defense mechanism. This has been the case. And so you were trained to hold it all in. Pretend nothing bothers you. Pretend you’re not affected by their behavior towards you, their antagonism, their bullying. That they can’t get to you.

This is where the unprocessed anger is. Denying, burying, repressing – so that, they can realize the futility of their actions and get tired of even trying. That’s the intelligence in your system trying to protect you from harm. It’s something you learnt as a child to be able to survive your living environment.

That’s a testament to your resilience as a kid. As a human. As a grown up. It’s a testament to your ability to survive amidst madness and violence. So, just seeing that mechanism. And maybe even thanking it for all it has protected you from. Acknowledging its validity and intelligence.

They’ve hurt you so much, you couldn’t take it. You couldn’t handle this much coming at you. Understandably so. It’s pain-full. Unbearably so.

The truth is, they can hurt you and they have been. They do get to you and that hurts… a lot. It hurts that those who are meant to watch out for you are the ones most out to get you. And the more you go off script, the more their efforts double proportionally. This is valid, this is real. In the sense that what you’re feeling and the pressure of it is not an imagined thing.

So let’s just see that and admit that. Without trying to fix it or change it. Just as it is. You’re in pain. You’re struggling with this. And rightly so. It has been hard, it has been challenging, still is. The inner demand or pressure to not struggle is what causes unnecessary pain. The demand to be beyond this already because it’s too painful. It’s too much.

It’s admitting you are vulnerable here. You are affected. You are hurt. That is scary. It’s admitting your helplessness, powerlessness. Admitting that your defense mechanism doesn’t work. You are completely and utterly bested. That’s the fact of it. The truth of it – unfiltered, raw.

You’re bested and aching – and the world appears to be twinkling, sparkling, dazzling. Others seem to be coming and going much more freely than you. They seem to be not dealing with anything you’re dealing with. And that is utterly frustrating. Being pinned while the world sparkles.

This fantasy of the sparkling world – which is somehow beyond you- has been a mental escape from this painful reality. The fantasy itself is a denial of the pain. Just like the defense mechanism of being beyond reproach, this fantasy has been like a hope or distraction of something to hold onto, fantasize about, day dream about to escape the pain.

In reality this fantasy is a at the root of the pain. It’s a reaction to the pain. An admission of the unbearability of the circumstances which the fantasy creates an out of. This fantasy of a sparkling world is a symptom of your non-acceptance of the painful circumstances as well as a reinforcement of the pain itself. If it could speak, it would say, “This can’t be it, there must be something better!”

Out there, there is something, somewhere, someone – which is NOT THIS.

Unconscious belief

Similarly to the seeing of the being beyond reproach defense mechanism for what it is, you can do that with this too. Just see it. See it play out. What it does. See the miraculous intelligence of it. See the trips it takes you on. Don’t judge yourself for getting lost.

These are ancient mechanisms that have their roots in us. Just recognize these things for what they are. Also see and acknowledge the non-acceptance and pain at the root of these mechanisms that drive them to play out in you.

Seeing people for who they are. Means seeing the reality of the person without filter. This is sometimes too scary. Because we don’t want to see things we’ve been avoiding. Because it means we may have to come to terms with things we might not be ready for.

And sometimes we’ve been coaxed so much and for so long into believing what a person is rather than seeing the reality of that person. We even coax ourselves by trying to make the other person into something they are not because we have a vested interest in doing so. Our safety is at stake so we superimpose a reality that isn’t actually there on the other and we try our best to not see the holes in our story.

Sometimes we’ve been coaxed so much and for so long into believing what a person is rather than seeing the reality of that person.

We fail to see his or her actual behavior, their actual actions or lack there of, their actual roles in our lives. Not ‘said’ roles, not believed roles, not superimposed roles but their actual, living of, doing of roles. How they affected or influenced our lives, our experience – without justifying or judging or fixing but just seeing. Just seeing clearly what kind of person is this, who has he/she actually been for me?

The answer could be frightening. It could be that the other may have been intentionally hurting us, abusing us, the other could be not safe for us to be around. And all our instincts may have been right on – trying to protect us and alert us of the need for boundaries, the feeling of being violated etc.

In seeing this, blame can come to an end. We have a choice to stop being the victim of our circumstances. We start being responsible for ourselves; we no longer deny what’s right in front of us. And in doing so, we stop justifying unacceptable behavior and being on the receiving end of abuse.

However, we do not become ‘spiritually superior’ by pretending to forgive prematurely or treating the other with a phoney ‘spiritual’ overlay of ‘we are one’. Because that’s another really subtle and really insidious way of deceiving ourselves by spiritually bypassing the raw nakedness of what we’ve seen. The nakedness of the relationship is the starting ground. Seeing the stark reality of it without any explanations – not even and especially not spiritual ones.

In that nakedness, personal truth becomes clear without pretense, without spiritual overlays. Without violence, without desire to come out victorious, to best, to prove wrong, to achieve a desired end. Even subtly like acting spiritually superior by being “non-reactive” – that’s a pretense. It’s a subtle agenda which acts as a strain on natural instinct- the ability to respond or not respond from truth and without agenda.

Seeing the truth means being really honest with ourselves about where we actually are with this relationship without justification. Without the ideal of where we would like to be. Just the simple uncensored truth. We can begin there. And that is painful. Heartbreaking.

But in that, we can be gentle with ourselves. Not come to premature conclusions. Sit in the discomfort of it. Without imagining alternative realities. Without the noise and advice of others – no matter how seemingly wise.

We don’t know. We are just seeing or letting the truth be shown to us. And giving ourselves the time to process, integrate, digest – there’s no hurry. No pressing matter. Just allowing ourselves to be worked on by truth, by nakedness, by honesty and just doing our best is all.

Giving away your authority means giving away your power, your privacy, your inherent solitude. Means giving away your discernment, your own knowing. It leaves you desolate, desperate, confused about your confusion. It makes you run, run out of fear of being caught, punished from an external authority. it creates division within yourself, conflict between what you can and cannot include in your experience (lest anyone or you disapprove). It takes away your ability to be your own safe haven. Your own container.

Giving away your authority means you can’t be totally honest with yourself. About what’s actually happening within you. The real disappointments, the real disillusionments, your real longings. It means you have to edit yourself so as to not ‘upset’ an external authority. Whether that authority be a partner, parent, spiritual teacher or God.

Giving away your authority means not trusting yourself. That distrust comes from a sense of deep shame that something is inherently wrong, unworthy in you. And so you punish yourself by not trusting yourself. By not being your own guardian. You seek others to let you know your okayness and in that you become their slave. You seek others to let you know you are worthy. And in doing so you are bound to them. In seeking your worthiness without, the fire within you burns less bright.

In seeking your worthiness without, the fire within you burns less bright.

The antithesis to internal authority is fear. Fear of yourself, fear of the other, fear of external authority – if there is such a thing.

You don’t need to “wait” for anybody. Your path is not dependent on somebody else’s. Your path is your own. Solitary. You can travel alongside others but not with them.

Any relational entanglement comes from believing that we are bound to one another. Where someone else’s decisions, beliefs , behavior or ‘progress’ determines or defines your own potentiality. That is co-dependency. Bound to let you down.

Freedom comes when there is the freedom to leave. Everyday anew. This could be it. No guarantees of tomorrows and forever. When you are free to leave, you can choose to be here. Your mobility is not bound by another’s. Whether it be a partner, friend, or a spiritual teacher.

You have the space and choice to keep things open. Optional. Available. Possibilities are present. You are not a slave to anyone.

But this is not the norm. And so you can’t look to anybody for validation in this. Not even to your closest. Not even in spiritual circles. When you are not bound, it does not matter what the other chooses to do or not do, to say or not say.

Because it’s okay if our paths diverge. There’s no agenda in trying to make things cohesive and match up so we end up at the same place. So often we are lost in the bondage of togetherness that we end up losing ourselves and losing the other, more so than if we were to physically part ways. 

And so this is radical. Because it requires an ongoing honesty and vigilance. No end game. No leaning on. This is the opposite of how mainstream society and culture functions. Where solitariness is not even acknowledged. And agendas are all there is.

This is also challenging when everything in the nervous system is wired for the kind of ‘safety’ that comes with forever and belonging. Something clings to that kind of safety which is like a temporary fix, an addiction.

It’s also important not to judge these patterns. And not to try to overpower these patterns by imposing change from the outside in. Behavioral modifications.

It requires great patience though. Because there is an insidious and subtle sense of despair that comes from comparing yourself to others. Especially in spiritual circles. That is why high praise and devotion triggers you. It triggers doubt in you; that your experience is somehow invalid and not as it should be. 

There is actually nothing more ‘devotional’ than being able to disentangle from all that. The spiritual circles, the comparing, the boundedness in relationship, the entanglement of togetherness. Nothing more devotional than being honest and true to your own experience in all it’s confusion.

No landing place means no defining.

The fear of abandonment in you is touched by your family. The nightmare of not being heard no matter what you say or how loud you say it. The frustration of being on the outs having had no choice in the matter. The futility of communication with each and every one of them. Hurts. Let it hurt. Be humbled by being bested by them. Be bested by the circumstances. There’s no way around it.

Your anger is justified. Your rage is called for. You know why. It’s not because you’re “sensitive” or “difficult”. It’s because their behavior is outrageous and you can call it. Their treatment of you is beyond unacceptable and you are tired of it darling. And rightly so.

Without even saying anything or doing anything, you’re a problem for them. You’re problematic. You’re inconvenient. You’re outrageous. You’re ridiculous. And that’s how you feel. So of course saying anything feels terrifying. It’s hard! It’s not “your imagination”. You’re not “making this up”. You’re seeing clearly. Your system is telling you enough is enough. I’ve had enough! NO MORE.

And you feel bound to them. You don’t want your anger to end up hurting you. But bottling up your anger is what is hurting you. Trying to be available somehow to this type of abuse is what’s hurting you. Is what’s making you feel vulnerable, at the mercy of, in need of. Your power lies elsewhere.It does not negotiate its freedom, its dignity, its sense of self. It doesn’t barter.

Your power lies in standing firmly in your own knowing. In your own personal truth. Regardless of what anyone thinks. Allow yourself to be disgusted. Revolted. These are valid visceral reactions to crazy people. And forgive yourself for feeling crazy in your exhausting attempts to deal. Of course you feel crazy. They are crazy-making! No if’s and’s or but’s about it.

You have to live it to know it. And you’ve lived it! So no one needs to come around and agree or validate that for you. You know… You know. In your heart, you know. It breaks your heart, but you know. You know this. You know what’s true here. Don’t let “spirituality” gaslight you out of your own knowing.

Don’t let “spirituality” gaslight you out of your own knowing.

Validate your anger. Validate your knowing. Validate your righteous inner fire of NO, ENOUGH! I won’t have anymore of this. I love myself too much for this. That’s what hurts, that’s what burns. That knowing. It burns because it is an intelligence that loves you. Knows you. Knows what your limit is. And is designed for that purpose. Honor it and honor yourself for it is time that you come into your fullness without concession. Make way.

Acknowledging the energetic hold the “in-laws” have had on you of trying to prove your worth to them with no avail. How you dress, what you look like, ‘what you’re doing with your life’. Acknowledging the dynamic of them trying to make you feel less than, inferior, having something to prove, compete, make you internally dance like a puppet.

And acknowledging the taking on and believing of that dynamic – dancing that dance with them. Even through aversion. When believed, this dynamic makes you try too hard, not be yourself which is natural and unapologetic. Your natural self doesn’t try to fit in the mold they’ve made for you.

Acknowledging the dynamic as it is, without hating it or wanting to change it. Acknowledging the way things are playing themselves out in you without the defense of feeling ashamed for it and therefore try to hide it or overcompensate with pretense over it.

Your anger is here. That this affects you. And your power lies in being honest to yourself about it. Not deceiving yourself. Not trying to save face or put up a front.

Your anger is here. That this affects you. And your power lies in being honest to yourself about it. Not deceiving yourself. Not trying to save face or put up a front.

It’s not just about externally doing or saying what is true. But also about internal honesty. Loosening the self-judgment around the internal reality. Something in you is touched by them. Deeply so. They touch a wound. And in self-defense, you try to put on a shield of untouchability. Of aversion. Of disgust.

They touch the wound of unworthiness. The wound of deep shame. That is why you feel so unlike yourself. A stranger to yourself. Because in trying to unconsciously appease them through clothes or outer beauty or ‘making something of your life’ – you leave your authenticity and natural worth.

Your authenticity is natural and has nothing to prove. It’s relaxed. At ease. Not swayed by culture or opinion, in fact it sees clearly the limitation of that and stays true to itself regardless. To it’s effortlessness and inherent belonging which isn’t dictated by someone else.

Softly recognizing the hurt there. And the humility in accepting that this is so in you. Otherwise, it’s pride masquerading as not being affected, being untouchable. And it is not true because you are affected. Start from there.

There’s something here you can trust and it doesn’t make an enemy of anyone or anything.

You don’t need to lie to yourself anymore. Deny what you see. In denying you cause yourself harm, unnecessary pain, discomfort and you delay the inevitable. Forgive yourself for feeling the need to deny, suppress, omit. No one can save you. No one will, no one can. This is good news. For if you had to be saved by someone else, it would be bondage and slavery.