Month: September 2026

Felt in the body. You know when you’re encountering it. You just know it in your bones. And your conviction pisses it off even more. Your articulation of it used against you.

Yet you’re taught and conditioned in your body and nerves and fascia to plead with it, to reason with it, to give it more time than it deserves. More understanding than it deserves, more space than it deserves, more you than it is worthy of.

And yet, you do it. Because the terror and instability of turning your back on it has been programmed in your body as a no go. It enrages you. And your reaction to it enrages you even more. It’s a closed loop of endlessly being turned against yourself.

You might not realize the change when it happens. You might not spot it. Your reactions might still get the best of you. That anger, that rage – that misogyny knows so well how to rile up. How to gaslight.

But something’s different. And it’s quiet. The course has changed, your soul knows it. But your body is yet to catch up. That’s okay. There’s fear there. There’s pain. So much of it. That’s okay too.

The truth is you’re in revolution. A revolution to how things were meant to be from the beginning. That your selfishness is holy. It’s sacred. Your rage is the pain pulsing in your veins. It’s pulsating through your skin. That pulse comes from the below. And it’s guiding you albeit through pain. So let it.

Let your skin turn inside out. And let the pain show you who you are. Not in a sadistic way. Don’t romanticize the pain. It’s a bitch. No two ways about it.

Let that which is quiet take the lead a little, as much as you can. Don’t try to be strong, to oppose that energy with your will power. Won’t work. Your body can’t hold that tension anymore. It’s already holding a lot. Work in the opposite direction. Find that sweet spot. The shakes and the tremors of letting go.

And let something else rise within you. Beneath you. Around you.

Forgive yourself for falling into the patterns. It’s okay, you haven’t fully found your footing yet. You will though. It’s already happened.

You ask me to come see you at your deathbed. Using chatgpt to tone-correct your texts so that they ‘speak to me’. Your real tone is entitled, victimized, confused as to why we don’t have a relationship. We don’t have a relationship because we don’t. And asking me to come see you as your dying wish is nothing more than selfish.

You have no idea what you’re even asking for. You don’t want to see me. You will be sorely disappointed. I won’t be coming with flowers. And I won’t appease your dying body. I’ve done enough appeasing for this lifetime and the next.

You’re not a ‘safe space’, you’re not a reliable human. I will no longer be putting myself in situations where I have to risk or compromise my wellbeing for someone else who has shown nothing but indifference and contempt for my existence.

You think just because you’re related to me that you get to have a relationship with me. That’s not how the world works anymore. Wake up Old Man. I am tired of your shenanigans. And I won’t come bearing gifts.

I will come with my rage and my questions. My confusion as to why you thought it was okay to bury my Dad without me. Never bothered to call then. Never cared to ask then. What’s different now? You’re dying? So what.

It occurs to me that I could come and be with the unreliable human. Or I could come and be with something vaster. And hold space for my rage and confusion. But that’s a lot of work. And I don’t know if you’re worth it.

How do I know if I’m spiritually gaslighting myself? How do I know if I’m meant to do something? Do I just not know unless I do it? By the time I’m done going back and forth on this, you’ll be dead. Just like my Dad died.

I too could not bring myself to visit him then. He was tedious and didn’t appreciate the effort I had gone through to come see him. All the stuff I had to overcome in myself to just be with him. To not demand anything of him in his death.

But I see now that was a mistake. I should have asked the questions. I shouldn’t have excused his behavior just because he was dying.

In the wake of his death, I am still dealing with his ‘legacy’. Confusion, entitlement, indifference. Maybe it runs in the family. Maybe that’s the ancestral thread.

I tried to spiritually be with something vaster with my Dad and overcome the things in myself. Same spiritual gaslighting I used then is here now. I am so sick of all these notions of a higher self. Maybe I am of the lower. The higher ones always seemed like narcissistic assholes to me. And a lot of them were.

I’ve been trying to purge myself of them. May it be so.