You ask me to come see you at your deathbed. Using chatgpt to tone-correct your texts so that they ‘speak to me’. Your real tone is entitled, victimized, confused as to why we don’t have a relationship. We don’t have a relationship because we don’t. And asking me to come see you as your dying wish is nothing more than selfish.
You have no idea what you’re even asking for. You don’t want to see me. You will be sorely disappointed. I won’t be coming with flowers. And I won’t appease your dying body. I’ve done enough appeasing for this lifetime and the next.
You’re not a ‘safe space’, you’re not a reliable human. I will no longer be putting myself in situations where I have to risk or compromise my wellbeing for someone else who has shown nothing but indifference and contempt for my existence.
You think just because you’re related to me that you get to have a relationship with me. That’s not how the world works anymore. Wake up Old Man. I am tired of your shenanigans. And I won’t come bearing gifts.
I will come with my rage and my questions. My confusion as to why you thought it was okay to bury my Dad without me. Never bothered to call then. Never cared to ask then. What’s different now? You’re dying? So what.
It occurs to me that I could come and be with the unreliable human. Or I could come and be with something vaster. And hold space for my rage and confusion. But that’s a lot of work. And I don’t know if you’re worth it.
How do I know if I’m spiritually gaslighting myself? How do I know if I’m meant to do something? Do I just not know unless I do it? By the time I’m done going back and forth on this, you’ll be dead. Just like my Dad died.
I too could not bring myself to visit him then. He was tedious and didn’t appreciate the effort I had gone through to come see him. All the stuff I had to overcome in myself to just be with him. To not demand anything of him in his death.
But I see now that was a mistake. I should have asked the questions. I shouldn’t have excused his behavior just because he was dying.
In the wake of his death, I am still dealing with his ‘legacy’. Confusion, entitlement, indifference. Maybe it runs in the family. Maybe that’s the ancestral thread.
I tried to spiritually be with something vaster with my Dad and overcome the things in myself. Same spiritual gaslighting I used then is here now. I am so sick of all these notions of a higher self. Maybe I am of the lower. The higher ones always seemed like narcissistic assholes to me. And a lot of them were.
I’ve been trying to purge myself of them. May it be so.