When the midday air of despair smacks you in the face, remind yourself of the mini successes you’ve had so far. Managed to get out of bed. Success. Watered the garden. Success. Cut my own hair. Success. Made and ate some breakfast. Success. Showered with lovely smelling soaps. Success.
Not running around like a headless chicken. Success. Taking it slow and easy. Success. Breathing fully. Aware of my breath. Success. Hearing the birds. Success. Got some sun. Success. Food in the fridge. Success. Couch under my bum. Success.
And then gently coming back to ‘despair’. A heaviness, energetic density. A friend that wants to be met. A tightness in the jaw. A discomfort. A frozenness.
Bowing to the unspiritual, addicted, messy and messed up bad one inside. The one that can’t sit still, made the ‘wrong’ decisions. Can’t seem to get her act together. Whatever that means. Bowing to this one. This one that’s been hammered with you’re not good enough, what you’re doing is wrong, you need to do better, try harder, be different, you should be doing better by now!
Let’s stop fighting with her. Messing with her. She’s been fought with and messed with enough already. Give her a break. Take off the pressure of trying to get somewhere. The somewhere of perfection. This is a pipe dream. There’s no somewhere to get to. There’s no if only this wasn’t here, then… I’ll be…. fill in the blanks. Free? Loved? Good enough? Finished? Saved? Enlightened?
Instead let’s try something new for a change. Just this once. Let be the imperfection and the mess. The frazzled, don’t know what to do, if I’m doing it right, I’m failing, I’m failing mess. Let be the mess. Be a mess. That’s the freedom.
Then, I can breathe now. I don’t have to tie myself into knots because of the idea that the mess is wrong. Because that idea creates war. Arguing with what is. Impatience is here, restlessness is here, boredom is here, disorientation is here, an energetic knot of inexplicable movement is here. Okay. It’s not comfortable. It’s not what the spiritual ego, superego wants it to look like by now. I’ve done enough work on myself and by now I should be…. fill in the blank.
When nothing’s going on, and nothing’s happening, really savor these moments. Really bow down to the one not able to handle meetings, or new friends, or new ideas or chores. She’s signaling that she’s not up for this stuff. And she really needs to be honored and bowed down to. She’s processing a lot. It’s no small feat. Any of it.
To learn to bow to that little one is an act of great kindness. To do everything to resource her, and not do anything that is too overwhelming for her. Forget the should’s and could’s and but this is normal. Forget all this added pressure. Really drop the pressure. The pressure to be spiritual, to get ahead, to get it right, to get on with life, to not miss life, to take in the beauty of life, to heal, to be healthy, to be responsible, to be nice, to be good, to get rid of this feeling, to be over it already, to be anything other than what’s here is an act of violence. Even if it’s dressed in spiritual clothing. Spirituality can be really violent. Internally. We can be punishing ourselves and measuring ourselves up 24/7 with this stuff. It’s exhausting.
And this little one is exhausted, the one pretending to be spiritual is exhausted, the one pretending to be good is exhausted. Give these guys a break. Let them be the fumbly puddles that they are. With no this shouldn’t be like this madness, it is like this. It is. And there’s no way around it. No way over it or under it.
Being with What Is isn’t some like mystical idea of what is, like The Present Moment. It’s so overused and made into something that it fucks with the head. What is is literally what is. All of it. The dog poop is what is, the cat licking its’ ass is what is, feeling like shit is what is, not accepting is what is, being angry is what is, watching a bad movie is what is, it’s pointless to even call it what is. And maybe it’s better to let go of this lingo. Because it’s been made into something. It’s not heard.
When nothing’s happening, it might not feel good, because we’re so conditioned to not allow nothing to be happening. Nothing happening is almost like a faux pas. What are you doing? Nothing. Gasp! It’s not socially acceptable for nothing to be happening. But when nothing’s happening really recognize the beauty of nothing happening. Really lean into nothing’s happening. Lean into to it. Yay, nothing’s happening. Deep breath.
Chasing what’s not available can be a long time embedded groove and habit. Especially if this was the dynamic with primary caregivers. Mom, dad, brother, sister were not available and innocently a learning that I have to chase their attention became the norm.
Seeking out what’s not available became an unconscious, shadowy movement and impulse. The root driver of ‘ambition’. Scanning the environment for what’s the most unavailable, unreachable situation, group of people, person or circumstance I can get. Because if I do, “mom and dad” so to speak will love me, care for me, validate my existence, I’ll be seen, cared for, admired etc.
And if the most unavailable is unreachable or unavailable to me then I’ll turn it around and barricade my pain with the self-defense of being unavailable to them. Then I’m untouched. You didn’t reject me, I rejected you.
At the root of it is a deep pain of having realized as a baby, toddler, child that Mom and Dad’s love, care, attention were not a given. I have to do some work here. And this work becomes the work of a lifetime. In every situation, in every interaction. The primary situation was and is too painful to digest. It’s too much for a baby, toddler, child to digest this information even if it is understood on some cellular level. It’s too painful.
And as a byproduct of this deeply embedded groove, what is available is not seen, recognized, it’s overlooked. Because it doesn’t require chasing, contorting. It isn’t the false drug of seeking what inside is believed to be the only way to survive. I need mom and dad’s love, care and attention otherwise I will die. So it’s a survival instinct at work, to scan, to seek, to chase, and to try to ‘win’ the desired object or person’s attention, love, recognition, admiration -whatever it is.
From the groove’s perspective availability is uninteresting. It needs the chase, it needs the drug because it’s programmed to believe that its’ survival depends on it. It’s innocent. Mercy on the groove. And the groove will deny this six ways to Sunday. It won’t allow itself to be seen because it’s only operational in the shadows, in the dark, the dark cave of the hurt little one.
Some things won’t budge till we sit with them. They’ll keep calling and aching till we give up our running away from feeling as shitty as we really feel.
No amount of trying to turn away will work. And no amount of talking to someone about it will make it better. Time to turn in. Curl up on the couch, fetal position and let whatever’s here be here.
All the effort of turning away once halted will turn into exhaustion. Exhaustion is good. It means you’ve stopped running.
Un-seriousness is not a bad thing. To not be so serious about everything. Not in the immature sense where everything’s a joke. But in a not taking things personally or fixating on fleeting things kind of way. (When you can help it because sometimes you can’t and that’s okay too.)
Seriousness creates heaviness. Seriousness comes with an agenda, an endgame, a strategy. It’s keeping logs of conversations, rapports and agendas. Taking a stance and holding up barricades of defense and apprehension.
Unplug the serious socket for a second. Bring in some lightness and openness. Shake it off, literally. Especially if you’re being invited into a serious conversation or a very serious decision. Take a step back and shake it off. Feel your feet on the ground and the length of your exhale. Disengage from the story or the ongoing conversation. Unplug. Drop the whole thing.
Check in with your immediate experience. Ask yourself, what’s going on here? Underneath all the seriousness. Is there something that I’m running away from? Lurking beneath the surface driving this behavior? What’s luring me into the seriousness of it all? What are the bare basic facts of this moment without any overlay?
Once this self-honesty comes in then lightness and newness can come in too. Freshness. Seriousness often comes with a stench of stale. Lightness breeds freshness, brightness. And it’s not the newness or freshness that the mind projects but newness in spontaneity. Things you didn’t plan on doing or saying just happen. Not in an impulsive trying to get away from yourself kind of way. But an unplanned, unserious, flow and availability.
And what can stifle this flow are the personal self explanations of why I think I did this or said that. And the mind coming in this way to feel like it’s in control somehow of what’s happening. That it decided, you decided to do this because… blah blah blah. And it’s not true so it throws off this natural flow. It’s like throwing a wrench in there, the wrench of fear of not being in control.
It’s good to recognize this wrench and acknowledge this movement of trying to explain things you can’t explain. It’s much cleaner and smoother just admitting I don’t have a clue what’s going on and I don’t need to. And sort of knowing that it’s okay not to understand or try to explain.
Because there’s an intelligence which doesn’t need to be understood in the moment. And it’s in that letting go of understanding and explaining that you kind of sidestep a lot of unnecessary suffering, seriousness, heaviness and load. Instead you’re operating from a more solitary perspective of self-honesty, lightness, a willingness to feel, a non-rush, clean air, open space, an ability to move, not just outwardly but inwardly. You can move, you’re not stunted.
So just become aware of the stench of seriousness and shake it off. Walk away. Dis-engage. Follow the exhale. Look at a bird. Look up at the sky. Move, make weird sounds, smell some lavender. Resource.
Come back to yourself. Come back to the simplicity of you. Forget everything that happened yesterday. Last week. Forget everyone you met or didn’t meet. Forget the conversations you had or are supposed to have. Forget it all.
You don’t have to be anybody for anyone. You don’t have to be consistent or dependable. Any question you want to ask someone else, you can ask yourself first. See if this is something for the other or for you.
If you’re doubting someone actually wants to hang out with you or get to know you, ask yourself if you actually want to get to know them. If you feel like someone is obligated to you, ask yourself if you feel obligated to them. And be honest. Be real with yourself.
Come back to your solitude.
Come back to your realness.
The part that’s beneath the I’m bad, they don’t like me, I’m wrong. The part that doesn’t operate from I’m bad. The part that’s not overwhelmed by everything that’s happening ‘out there’ or happened or will happen. The part that doesn’t need to get anywhere or do anything because it’s already here.
It doesn’t need to reach out to anyone or fulfill any commitment or communication. It’s not concerned about these things. It doesn’t believe that this last text needs to be responded to or this email really needs to be addressed today. Or this post really needs to be published.
Allow yourself to make mistakes. Give yourself that room. That open space of spreading out. And allowing for mistakes to happen. Mistakes are not what you think they are. They’re not something ‘wrong’ that happened. Mistakes are wonderful open portals to living problem-free.
We’ve learned that mistakes are bad, a sign of failure, a sign of wasted opportunity. This is the conditioning – it’s the language of stunted growth. A language that doesn’t know love. We whiplash ourselves with guilt, shame, hopelessness, powerlessness, despair every time a ‘mistake’ is made. Especially when money is involved.
How did we come to learn these things?
Who originally taught us that?
What were their motivations?
Did they care about growth?
Through our conditioning things were forced on us all the time. And saying no to this force was seen as outrageous. We don’t even know it’s happening to us half the time. The dynamic is so off balance that when things are forced on us, we think we’re choosing them. And when we do actually use our inner guidance and listen to our inner authority to navigate our own experience, it’s seen as questionable behavior.
Maybe even a mistake, a problem, a waste, a very wrong thing – outright rejected by those around us. Those who never question. Those who think mistakes are calamities. Those who don’t prioritize growth. Real growth anyway. Instead they prioritize ideas of right and wrong, good and bad.
And so, when we’re growing out of this old way of being and relating in and to the world, we have to start noticing how we’re relating to our experience. What’s my dynamic with ‘making mistakes’? What do I do to myself or others when I make a mistake? How does it affect my inner world? Am I stunted? Do I never want to try every again? Do I feel like a waste of space?
If we’re not aware, the world will tell us we’re making a mistake all day long. Our whole life is a mistake. And we listen because we’re innocent. Mistakes and innocence are close relatives. You have to have real innocence to be willing to make mistakes. To fuck up. To do everything wrong.
Do I fall into an ocean of despair when I make a mistake? Do I punish myself?
Maybe as a child, you weren’t allowed to make mistakes. You had to get everything just right to prove yourself worthy of love or even physical care.
Seeing how mistakes are handled in our psyche, in our body opens up new possibilities, a new way of living, of approaching life, of relating to our experience. It creates space for questioning whether I can live in another way. Is there another softer, gentler way to be with mistakes?
Can I give myself permission to make all the mistakes I can make and to love myself regardless? To not berate myself or punish myself for being human? For my innocence.
When mistakes are permitted, given space, given love, given understanding, given breathing room – then possibilities open up. Problems disappear. Life becomes fun. Just because. Not purposeful and heavy. But purposeless and light.
When mistakes are permitted, you can play. Play with everything. How you decorate your home, what to buy, how you spend your time, how you garden. There’s open space. So there’s no rush and no time limit. There’s just availability. Possibility. Beauty. Abundance. Rest. And trust.
Trust that all is well. That it’s okay. Everything is okay. Good. In flow.
It’s not tight, limited and suffocated anymore. There’s room, it’s airy. It’s cool.
There’s no limitation on anything. You don’t superimpose limitations on yourself anymore where there are none. You recognize the limitlessness of reality. The “I’m not up against the wall all the time” reality.
It’s beautiful to give yourself absolute permission to make mistakes. Then a whole old worlds falls away. The bottom falls off. And a new fresh world beautiful world becomes apparent. Obvious. Like realizing you were in a trance and you’ve snapped out of it with the snap of a finger. And you can breathe again. Breathe fully.
You don’t have to run around like a headless chicken anymore. You can take your time. Settle in. Include everything that’s happening in the moment to be porous to this is ok. This too. I’m not running away with my experience anymore, like a thief in the night. I’m bringing it in, reigning in. To this openness. This new world. This recognition.
