Felt in the body. You know when you’re encountering it. You just know it in your bones. And your conviction pisses it off even more. Your articulation of it used against you.
Yet you’re taught and conditioned in your body and nerves and fascia to plead with it, to reason with it, to give it more time than it deserves. More understanding than it deserves, more space than it deserves, more you than it is worthy of.
And yet, you do it. Because the terror and instability of turning your back on it has been programmed in your body as a no go. It enrages you. And your reaction to it enrages you even more. It’s a closed loop of endlessly being turned against yourself.
You might not realize the change when it happens. You might not spot it. Your reactions might still get the best of you. That anger, that rage – that misogyny knows so well how to rile up. How to gaslight.
But something’s different. And it’s quiet. The course has changed, your soul knows it. But your body is yet to catch up. That’s okay. There’s fear there. There’s pain. So much of it. That’s okay too.
The truth is you’re in revolution. A revolution to how things were meant to be from the beginning. That your selfishness is holy. It’s sacred. Your rage is the pain pulsing in your veins. It’s pulsating through your skin. That pulse comes from the below. And it’s guiding you albeit through pain. So let it.
Let your skin turn inside out. And let the pain show you who you are. Not in a sadistic way. Don’t romanticize the pain. It’s a bitch. No two ways about it.
Let that which is quiet take the lead a little, as much as you can. Don’t try to be strong, to oppose that energy with your will power. Won’t work. Your body can’t hold that tension anymore. It’s already holding a lot. Work in the opposite direction. Find that sweet spot. The shakes and the tremors of letting go.
And let something else rise within you. Beneath you. Around you.
Forgive yourself for falling into the patterns. It’s okay, you haven’t fully found your footing yet. You will though. It’s already happened.