When things haven’t felt right for so long, it’s hard to know how to course-correct. Maybe you have never had the agency to course-correct in your life. Not in any real way. It was hijacked from your development. Made impossible by controlling family members who felt entitled to your freedom, to your life. So, how do you course-correct when you’re older, maybe wiser, but still developmentally stunted. With no family to back you (not that they ever have) and with no solutions of your own.
It can be crippling, it can be shameful even. When looking around seeing the adults “adulting” as they put it nowadays – posting about it on instagram. And you’re in this alternate world, this parallel universe of not knowing how to how.
There’s such an immense grief there. Not only because it’s inrecibly isolating but also because it’s such a basic life skill that you have not been able to learn. It’s like a primal movement has been ripped from the root and in it’s place a hollow jagged emptiness. A negative space. The opppsite of growth.